so many times that i ditched someones party not because i hate it nor i am busy with another thing or two but i just don't really like it. like if there's gathering, im hiding in my shell. i just don't feel it. my mind says go but my heart says no!
it's like seeing a lot of people makes my feet rooted in the grounds. but i can make it if it is for academic purposes. but parties? i don't think so. i always feels like crying if I'm about or have to go to. i hate it, i really hate it.
even in my own party, i like it simple. yes, it has been simple enough. there was not so many people, and only closest family were present. yet, on its very time, i was hiding in the bathroom. i didn't came out until i was so sure there's no more visitors left. i didn't even get out of the house nor entertain most of them nor thanked them for coming.
i think i started isolating my self from them is when:
- relatives started think low of me, teasing me when its like they don't have dirt on their ugly faces
- ate rhea spoke highly of herself and degrades me face to face, she might not intended it, nor she remembered it, but i never forget a single scene of it. im in high school and she was a lot older and smarter than me. note: smart people don't do that.
- stupid dimwitted sister takes the scene
it is not just low self-esteem of mine. because at school, i do best. have enough confidence in me to face the class and my professors and to stand grounded on my points.
revelations: i have asperger's syndrome, not all of my relatives have a knowledge about it. it was just a months ago when i learned about it, and hell only knows since when i'm being like this.
- i don't hate the syndrome itself, i understand it
- i don't hate my relatives not knowing about this, but i hate them for badmouthing me (think i don't know eh?? i heard you all) (if you smart enough you will not do it, dimwits)
- im happy staying like this but im not emo
